08/27/07: reVirginizer.Com Attracts Venture Capital. ReVirginizer.com announces today that based on 2006 advertising revenue it has secured $67M in venture capital from a Hong Kong based investment firm. In addition to the debt service, reVirginizer.com has agreed to share a percentage of net revenue from market expansion in Asia. reVirginizer.com President Arthur Vesta and Xio-Chmeow Investments Vice President H. Far Lo hailed the deal as a path for reVirginizer.com to move forward into new markets while also giving management the cash flow to buy some really cool stuff, like a foosball table, a pinball machine and one of those cool light projector things that puts the company logo on the floor in reception.
The deal was hailed by analysts and signalling the return to the good old days of wild speculation on dotcom ideas that are of questionable financial value.
02/30/06: reVirginizer.Com announces today that preliminary system testing has been completed and the system now in Beta for public use. reVirginizer.Com a Seattle Internet startup, is pioneering the methods of online virginity restoration. Operating Manager Corbin Lake, overseeing the roll-out from pre-release software to full Beta test, available for limited public use, beamed with excitement. "What we have here is a revolution in the ability of people to cleanse themselves of unwanted baggage." In a short speech to employees that praised their research work, Lake pointed out that it would remove guilt from many, and do much more for others. Meanwhile, Gabrielle Moran, company spokesperson, addressed concerns that the company's products, while intended to be unisex and appeal roughly equally to both sexes, might find limited success with men. "Our market research doesn't paint that clear a picture" Ms. Moran stated in response to a query from the press. "We feel strongly that once men see the benefits of reVirginafication they will become loyal customers". Ms Moran noted that the marketing strategy with respect to men and women would be somewhat different. Men are also seen as more likely to generate return business quickly, often needing their virginity restored in just a few days. Research shows that women were generally more likely to leave the Revirginafication process in place for a longer period of time.
11/25/05: reVirginizer.Com and KarmaRex join forces. reVirginizer.Com and KarmaRex announced the purchase of KarmaRex by reVirginizer.Com for an undisclosed amount. Praising the acquisition, reVirginizer.Com President Arthur Vesta released an optimistic statement regarding the combined strength of the two companies. "Our strength in the reVirginafication process, along with KarmaRex' knowledge of karmic database and data information systems, will allow us to bring the most advanced and user friendly solutions to our clients." Vesta continued at some length, lauding the power of the combined companies. KarmaRex President Tensing Samchen, also present at the announcement, pointed out that the sale of KarmaRex' Karmic records division will allow it to concentrate on its core business of manufacture and distribution of novelty dairy treats such as the KarmaKone and KarmaKaramelKrunch.
10/14/05: reVirginizer.Com apologizes for system errors. Arthur Vesta, President of reVirginizer.Com, issued a statement today apologizing for the system errors that led to missaplied Virginity restoration procedures. "We at reVirginizer whole-heartedly apologize for the system errors that a handfull of people experienced during testing last week. We assure everyone that these issues have been addressed and will not happen again." The system errors that Mr. Vesta alludes to resulted in the missaplication of the reVirginizer.Com process to random people. The resulting unexpected virginity apparently led to some performance issues. reVirginizer.Com technicians and engineers were working on a deVirginizer process to restore the unrestored virginity to the affected persons. However, this large group of computer and information technology specialists couldn't think of a way to actually 'devirginize' anyone. As of this writing, all involved parties have been notified.
